Learning to love yourself is the first step to truly having rewarding relationships. But how can we love ourselves more when we’ve been taught not to? Joining David Adelson in this episode is Betsy Johnson, an experienced dating and relationship expert and the host of the Lunchtime Quickies Podcast. She founded LunchtimeQuickies.com in 2019 as an online publishing platform, which quickly grew to a popular podcast. Today, David and Betsy discuss how we can get back to self-love and have a good feeling about who we are so we can start to move towards having better romantic relationships.

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How To: Have Better Romantic Relationships – with Betsy Johnson

We’re with Betsy Johnson, who is going to help us have better romantic relationships and we’ll talk a little bit about self-love. Welcome, Betsy. How are you?

I am fabulous. Thank you, David, for having me. I’m super excited to be here.

First, I know you and I talk about self-love. What else are we going to talk about in this episode?

We’re going to talk about how self-love is the basis for having the most rewarding relationships that you can have, whether they’re romantic or whether they’re, with friends and family. I’ve had a motto to thy own self be true. I’ve been on a mission for the last couple of years to know myself, know who I am and to be working on a steady path of personal growth. It happened more so into this romantic relationship realm, but this is for everyone and it’s one of my passions. I believe in it and now it’s branched into my dating life of dating more on a soul level as opposed to a human level. It’s been a beautiful journey.

I’m glad you mentioned that because I want to mention that one of the things that I like about what you talk about is this idea of working on a soul level and relationships. I think we’ll talk about more of that more. Let me tell people who you are. Betsy Johnson is an experienced dating and relationship expert and the host of the Lunchtime Quickies Podcast. She founded LunchtimeQuickies.com in 2019 as an online publishing platform, which quickly grew to a popular podcast. In season two, she dispenses real authentic advice along with the help of guests, such as matchmakers, relationship coaches, and her trusted sidekick and producer Vince. She’s also brought several of her online dating matches to her show for their first day. Betsy’s mission is to bring more love and romance to the world one at a time. Let’s talk about self-love first. What is it and why is it missing? We’ve even not needed to go there. How do we learn to love ourselves more because quite frankly, we’ve been taught not to?

It’s accepting in some regards the shadow side of ourselves. Everybody wants to be all happy, joyful and positive, there’s that word, “I just want to be positive and happy.” What has brought us to where we are now is all of the experiences that we’ve had and we’ve all had crappy experiences along the way. Let’s face it, and those are the shadow sides of ourselves, of digging deep into, some people struggle with narcissism. Some people struggle with negative self-talk. The negative self-talk is a huge one. I constantly am catching myself. What am I saying to myself as I’m walking around my home or as I’m on a call? It’s easy for me to say, “Betsy, you’re stupid, why did you say that?” The negative self-talk is a huge one. Learning to love for every piece of ourselves but at the same time saying, “I want to do better. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better human. I want to have more of a contribution to my world, my community.” It’s like one thing just leads to another and in relationships, I’ve been saying, and a lot of experts will say the same thing. How can you truly have a rewarding relationship if you don’t love yourself first? It’s got to start there.

In my healing work, I’ve worked with people who long for love and will sit there and one or more people are pouring love at them. They have so much not self-love that they don’t get it. They’re not able to receive the love. The whole point about self-love is that you allow yourself be somebody, you have fun being yourself. I don’t know whether they lived to this life ambition or not, but when they were young, they thought, “I want to be a crotchety old man or woman when I grew up because that would be a lot of fun to me.” You talked about shadow side. It might be something that we feel to avoid, but in the process of growth, we grow, rest, and activity, which includes negative and positive however you look at it.

How can we have loving relationships if we don't love ourselves? Click To Tweet

One of the examples that we use in our work, and I’m hoping I’m mentioning this because I hope it helps people accept themselves is that the bud has to be destroyed for the flower to bloom. No one has a negative connotation for that energy, intelligence or whatever it is that causes the bud to be destroyed. Nobody hates that because they loved the bloom. We’re all blooming in one way or another and discovering who we want to be and what we want to experience. It’s much easier if we love ourselves and I think one of the first things to do is just what you said, allow yourself. Let yourself have, “I’m overtired. I ate the wrong thing. I’m in a pissy mood,” and have fun with it.

I have a shaman friend of mine who taught me. She said, “When a negative feeling comes up or you feel like you’re beating yourself up over something that you said or did or whatever, sit and honor the feelings. If you need to have a pity party, have a pity party, but try to identify where’s this coming from. If you need to cry, you cry. You do whatever.” I have found that every single time, I keep hearing her little voice in my head just saying, “Betsy, honor it.” Literally, I will allow myself maybe an hour at the most to sit in that yuck and the pity party. David, I can usually move it along so much faster. It’s a technique. It’s awareness and then allowing. It’s just saying, “We are human.” We’re not perfect and we’re full of emotions. Honor those as they come up, whatever they look like.

We just let us be who we are and we have a lot more control about who we are than we think, but when we try to shut down a part of ourselves, instead of allowing it to express or allowing it to work through. It takes a thorn to remove a thorn thing and sometimes you just have to have that good cry or the pity party. I like one of the things that, Byron Katie talks about, “Is the basis of it real?” I’m upset at myself because I said the wrong thing, I did the wrong thing. I ended a relationship. I shouldn’t have, I stayed in a relationship. I didn’t call the person when I said I was going to, whatever it is. We do this or in the past, people have done this meet-up thing. It’s time to just, “Whoops.” One of the things that we teach in our work is the best response in many situations is just, “Whoops.”

I love that and I’m dealing with whoops that I have been fully aware that I have not responded to this girl and I’m going, “Why?” I’ve said that somewhere along the line, I decided to just bury my head in the sand, whether that was a pity party. I think I was just simply not ready to deal with it.

That’s okay too. It’s like, “I don’t want to do that today. I’ll get to it someday.” It’s one of those things that sometimes some of the things that we think we have to get to, maybe we do, and maybe we don’t. If we feel it’s blocking us, of course, we want to move through it. There are so many things on our half to-do lists that we’ve been trained that these are important things to do. If money was not an issue, if X was not the case, do you have to attend to this? One of the first things that I learned, and this is many years ago is, you don’t have to answer the phone just because it rings.

That is exactly right and I’ve learned that the hard way. I did it with my sister once and I never did it again because she called me out on it. I answered the phone when I didn’t want to. I was in a crappy mood and she flat out said, “Why did you answer the phone?” I was like, “Why did I feel obligated to answer the phone? I’m never going to do that again.” If I don’t want to take that call, it can go to voicemail. With our smartphones, any way we see who’s calling and nobody even asked to leave a message to know who and what was. We’re a society that’s hard on ourselves for no good reason most of the time.

The reason may be that we’ve been trained in under a particular paradigm that is shifting and this is one of the reasons that I appreciate your work so much. We’re moving from an economic to a love-based society. That’s very exciting to me. That love includes the love of the Earth and the environment and helping people and loving other rather than something else, these vindictive responses on the social media and things. I tend to see a lot less open hostility now than before as responses for people. There’s a wonderful phrase that I learned years ago from the person who taught me to be a meditation teacher Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, “We either enjoy or don’t mind.” That’s a wonderful way to appreciate things. I want to get back to self-love because everything we’re talking about relates to that. If the phone was ringing and I’m in the middle of a project, how does answering that phone serve me? Can you talk about that and maybe other examples than the phone?

What comes to my mind is interruptions. My parents don’t call me very often but when they do, I want to try to take that call. We automatically think, “Is there something wrong? I need to take that call.” When it comes to a business perspective and somebody’s calling, I struggle with focus. To me, I use what they call the Pomodoro method, which I set my timer for 25 minutes. I power out a task and I try to do it distraction-free. You take a five-minute break and you grab something to eat, go to the restroom, whatever you do, and then you’re constantly using this 25 and 5 back and forth. It’s helped me set boundaries. That to me is self-love because I’m putting myself first. It’s saying like, “I have something to do.” “This is something that I care enough about to focus on for 25 minutes,” which is not a very long period of time in the grand scheme of things. I can call that person back on my five-minute break, or whatever that is. When Marianne Williamson wrote A Return to Love and it came down to two things. We’re either operating from fear or were operating from love.

HWC 19 | Having Better Romantic Relationships

Having Better Romantic Relationships: Self-love is the basis for having the most rewarding relationships that you can have, whether they’re romantic or with friends and family.

 

There was so much to work with there that I can identify very quickly when somebody quite frankly hates themselves. How it manifests is usually and exactly the opposite way. They’re usually the jerks. They’re trying to overcompensate because ultimately inside, they’re hurting. They’re very extremely sensitive individuals, even though they can have very hard crusty exteriors. In dating, I dated a guy who was Russian and you could only imagine he grew up in Moscow until he was eighteen and came to the States. He was a tough cookie because, at the end of the day, on the outside very strong, masculine, and tough to crack but what that meant was is that he didn’t grow up with a lot of love from his parents. That reflected into the self-love and he was more sensitive than I had any idea. Once I realized that, I was able to have more empathy for him. I was able to communicate with him better. I was able to better understand him. At the end of the day, he didn’t want to work on it and not on us necessarily. He didn’t want to work on himself.

Hopefully he will and when he does, there are a couple of techniques that I’d like to share that you probably are aware of. We talked about allowing and beating ourselves up. Three quick things. You can do this as an ongoing thing over days, weeks, months, years or you can spend, 5 to 10 minutes. I would recommend twenty minutes if you can do it. You can do it while you’re driving. The first one is, “I forgive myself,” and just say it over and over again. It’s an ideal thing to do is to start on Friday night while you’re doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, dusting, doing the commercials brushing your teeth out loud or silently.

That has a huge softening effect on your own heart. Another one is, “I love myself,” in the same way. Just spend a couple of days or gratitude for yourself, honoring what you’d like about yourself and spend some time doing that. Those are some quick things. The other thing, because Betsy, you mentioned this thing about, the self-talk that we’re doing. I don’t know how we’ve learned it the way that we did, but so much of us have a negative version of ourselves or what we’re planning. One of the games that you can play with yourself, one of my friends calls it, “What if?”

When we’re listening to that self-talk, what if it’s the opposite? What if instead of thinking, “I’m a schmuck or I blew that,” what if we changed that to say, “That went well, that went great?” I’m sure that was perfect. I’m sure whatever I did was right. You talked about, not getting back to somebody and you worry about it, but what if that’s exactly from a cosmic perspective, exactly the right thing. What if you’re not getting back to her because the information that you have for her, she’s not ready to receive just as your Russian friend wasn’t ready to receive what you were offering him at the time that he was there. Maybe he has by now. I don’t know.

Maybe he has and you’re exactly right. We can’t understand. All I can do is honor where I am at that point in time and just knowing. I know I was digging my heels in. I could tell you why, but I was like, “What is my issue with not getting back to her?” There are a couple of other things that have unfolded so that now when I do get back to her, I can share some insights actually with her that I didn’t have before.

I love this idea of one of the things about self-love is honoring who we are, what we feel our purpose is, whether we feel we have a lifetime purpose, whether it’s just to make a sale, or put food on the table, whatever it is that we honor what we feel in our heart is the right thing. We all have intuition but many people haven’t learned how they trust that intuition. This is a way that we can be honoring who we are. I know everybody tells me I’m supposed to do this but my gut feeling is something else. Assuming that we are in touch with some higher intelligence that’s available within ourselves, we want to take advantage of that but if it’s into just, then no, we don’t. We have to learn the difference.

Another thing that made me think of this, I have a Law of Attraction coach. I’ve been in the Bob Proctor Programs on and off for years. My coach, Barbara, started teaching us what they call the Presupposing Questions. She would say “Ask yourself, ‘Why am I so loving?’” I want to lose 10 pounds. I go, “Why am I so skinny and fit?” You start asking yourself. Your brain and your mind will automatically start filling in those answers for you but what it is, it’s attracting. One night, going to bed, I kept, “Why am I so wealthy?” I was having a money problem and I was hoping to manifest some money and I kept saying, “Why am I being cared for in every way? Why does the universe always have my back?” I literally fell asleep asking myself the presupposing questions. I got up I have a couple of thousand dollars on the way to me that I didn’t know it was coming, but it worked. I woke up and I’m going, “This works. I need to be doing this more often.”

I love this thing. I hadn’t heard of it before, but why does money come to me so easily?

What brought us to where we are today are all of the experiences that we've had along the way. Click To Tweet

That’s what she says. Why am I a manifesting machine?

Why does my good show up everywhere around me? Why does love surround me? These are great questions because everything within you will start to answer it. It won’t challenge the question. It will just try to answer the question. Whereas if we just say, “This doesn’t work out for me.” Everybody knows their own worst self-talk so we don’t need to give examples, but change it. One of the things that I learned way back when I was in high school is that I love music. I worked in a record store as a teenager and all that. It had millions of records.

I was very aware that the lyrics of a lot of songs were about, I lost the girl, I lost the guy. They died. They fell out of the plane, whatever crazy thing happened. I fought the low and the low and I’m just like, “Just change the words.” There’s a great song which is Something’s Always There to Remind Me. It’s about the pain and I changed it to There’s Always Something There to Delight Me, Always Something There to Inspire Me, Always Something There to Surprise Me, because you’re singing these songs all the time and your mind is listening. You think it doesn’t care about the lyrics. It cares about everything.

It sure does. Our mind is always listening.

First of all, we both agree that if you don’t like yourself, if you don’t allow yourself to be you, that’s something that’s worth putting attention on and moving in the direction of self-love. Allow yourself to be who you are now and allow yourself to become someone that you aspire to, someone that you like better. We don’t ever look at a first grader and compare them to a PhD graduate and say, “You suck as a person.” We say, “You’re great as a first grader.” Be the best first grader you can be, be the best second grader, and like that we’re all growing. As we grow, the first step in finding any kind of loving relationship is to, know who you are, know what areas you want to improve, know what areas aren’t worth improving. We’ve both may not be good at football, but I don’t think either of us care.

I have no desire. Somebody else can go do that.

That’s not in my wheelhouse. I don’t have to, but I am good at this other stuff. Once we get self-love or we start moving in that direction, because for some of us, maybe it takes a little longer than others, but at least we’re moving that direction. I love what you said before you go to bed, “Why do I love myself so much? Why do I have such a good feeling about who I am? Why do I love my life so much?” These things are hugely powerful because all night long, it’s being worked on. In the morning, you wake up and all kinds of fun things happen.

I was thinking too about how we can change when we’ve got that moment where we’re feeling bad about ourselves and honoring it. You touched on this briefly too about gratitude. I can say, I’ve got a gratitude practice. I don’t do it every day, but I have a circle of friends. We send around our gratitude via email every day. I will tell you that those emails are my most favorite part of the day to read someone else’s and what they’re grateful for. The minute I’m in a crappy mood, I say, “Betsy, do your gratitude.” List 3 to 5 things that you are absolutely grateful for, that’s a game-changer. That will immediately switch as something in my brain out of that pity party, just for us to be in this country or both of us are in Southern California with beautiful weather and oceans close to us. We have so much to be thankful for.

HWC 19 | Having Better Romantic Relationships

Having Better Romantic Relationships: Once you have more empathy for the other person, you can communicate and understand them better.

 

I was thinking about this. I was in the shower. It’s a chilly day out and it was this wonderful, warm shower. I was enjoying it and I suddenly flashed on how grateful and special that is. Even running water inside the house is pretty new. We look back many years ago, they didn’t have it. For most of the history of the world, those of us who don’t live what we would consider royal lives, live a life that is better than Kings and Queens many years ago. This is a wonderful thing that most of us, we take a shower every day or however often we take it. We’re like, “Now I’m doing my shower. I brush my teeth and I do this. I use my electric razor.” We don’t think, the way they used to do it is they took their Bowie knife, an ice-cold stream or they had to go outside, which in the middle of winter could not have been fun. Anybody reading this who has the technology to do so is got to be living in a state that was unimaginable, in some cases, even many years ago.

We have a lot to be grateful for when we put our attention there. There was a book I read a long time ago, I can’t remember if it was The Science of Success or The Science of Being Great by Wallace Wattles. The one whole chapter was, “Whenever things aren’t going your way, spend two days in gratitude and it will turn everything around.” I thought that was another one. Two days in gratitude for whatever it is, for the food, the hot water or for the dishes.

I’ve got to tell you that after I got the email saying that I had this money on the way, I said, “I knew I was meeting with you today and I had some other calls I want to do.” I literally said to myself, “All I want to do for the rest of today is sit in gratitude,” because I am that incredibly grateful for what happened. I want to do the happy dance everywhere.

I’m glad we were getting this cleared up because the basis of a relationship with anyone and again, you and I were talking about this before is if you can’t allow yourself to love yourself, how likely are you going to believe it when someone else tells you that they love you?

I had a guy asked me years ago and this is probably what first sparked my interest about the topic. We were actually at a blues festival. I ended up dating him for a little while after this, but he asked me that day, “Do you love yourself?” It was the first time that anyone asked me such a poignant question. I turned to him and I said, “Yes, I do.” He said, “Good.” I feel like he’s asked that question several times and didn’t get that same answer. I felt like we automatically had a basis to work with, and we did it for a couple of months but that was when I felt like, “There’s definitely something to this.” I ended up reading Marianne Williamson’s book a couple of years later. I don’t know how someone can have the most rewarding relationship and the most loving relationship that I think most people desire without this first being the case or that you’re working towards it.

A friend of mine was watching one of her friends’ five-year-old girl. They were at the post office, one Saturday morning. She told me this story many years ago. While they’re waiting in line at the post office and it’s this moderately small-town post office, the five-year-old girl is trying to do somersaults or cartwheels but she can’t quite do it. She would do it and then she’d go, “Too bad. Nice try though.” She’d do another one. She’d go, “You’re doing good.” Everybody in line is watching this kid acknowledged that it wasn’t great, but then give herself this little pep talk and I think that’s such a wonderful trait to be doing.

To have that knowledge and awareness at five years old, that’s some good parenting right there.

Let’s move forward there because there are two more areas that I want to cover and I definitely want to get into the whole aspect of soul thing. We’re talking about meaningful relationships. If we want to have meaningful relationships, what Betsy is pointing out and I’m echoing is that one of the first criteria is you have to be open to and available, that means you have to love yourself. When your friend said, “Do you love yourself?” That’s a question that if your answer isn’t yes, that’s your first step towards having a good relationship and get to yes.

We're full of emotions. Just honor those as they come up, whatever they look like. Click To Tweet

Once we have that though, then we want to move into how do we get a good relationship? I love this idea that you’re talking about soul relationships, because so many people that I know, and again, we’re not talking before, but they would have the list of their ideal partner and it may include all these external things. It may include height, they have a beard or don’t have a beard or eye color. It may include the type of job or certainly income, religion or many of these things. In the end, while you may or may not meet some of those, when you meet that soul connection, none of that matters.

I’ve been dating a guy and what sparked our connection online is on the Hinge app. He said, “Spiritual, that is important to me.” I said, “Tell me about that.” He said “I did some Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.” I love that book and I’m a huge Eckhart Tolle fan. I said, “Okay,” and I felt we had a basis right there to work with because we were talking the same language. On the other hand, if I’ve got someone who’s agnostic or atheists, I cannot even remotely go there because I’ve been on such a spiritual path. I have done some out of body experiences. Transcendental meditation is probably what it was considered and I didn’t even know that’s what was happening. I’ve had some beautiful, incredible experiences and I can’t deny. I can’t deny the importance of bringing that into a relationship where I know that we’re not alone. We have a lot of support whether you want to say above or the other side. We’ve got support.

This brings up a lot of things. You’re the love expert so here’s what I’m thinking. You can tell me if this echoes with what you feel is true. It’s about how the relationship makes you feel about yourself, life, the world, God, the divine or whatever. I think, yes, you need to have a common ground. One of the things about our relationship is we’re going to continue to grow no matter what. We want to find somebody that we can grow with. It’s not just as you talked about, how some people have their tendency or beliefs however their view of the world is. It’s not open to the possibility of changing in a direction that could support people. How do you feel about that?

I think the term love has been redefined in the grand scheme of, love is more compassion. If someone’s doesn’t have a basis of just knowing that, I feel loved from everything. I feel it from the other side. I feel it from my cat, but it’s also what I’m giving out. I feel bad. It’s very tragic when someone is very closed off and I don’t want to get into the religion of saying, “The atheists don’t believe in it.” It’s a very personal thing but spirituality is important to me because I have truly experienced love on so many levels. I frankly want to share that with my partner. I want that person to know the love I’ve experienced, whether that was in meditation.

You start looking at the people that you’re surrounding yourself with. My coach, she says, “You’re the average of the five people that you spend the most time with.” The first time that she told me that, I looked at my five and I was like, “These are not the people I want to be spending my time with.” I started changing up my circles. I started bringing in more of people that were working on themselves that were improving and giving back and that were involved in their communities that weren’t so selfish and self-centered. Even if I tended to go that direction, that’s not how I wanted to go and I said, “I have some changes to make.”

I look now at mine from where they were years ago, completely different and one person might come and go here but I think in dating, it’s like, who are we attracting? You start seeing, what they call the mirror. I’m very aware of when I’ve met someone, who’s reflecting something back to me that I don’t like, that’s something that is in me, not in them. I’ve learned a lot and I can’t wait to learn more because I’m never going to stop. I want somebody who just says, “Let’s keep going. What else can we do?” It doesn’t have to be the same path as mine, but at least it’s something moving forward and that he’s getting more air under his wings because of it.

I love what you said about, you found this person through an online app, and then there was a keyword. I know we’re talking a lot and in what may sound like abstract things, but there are some very practical steps from here. If you’re in a relationship, we’ve given you a bunch of things that you can do to improve their relationship, starting with yourself. I want to go in two directions here. One is, if someone is looking to get into a relationship, what are the next steps that you feel that they should take and what I loved about that was you effectively did a keyword search for a person. “I want to find somebody who has the same interests in me,” the spirituality is one of them and then you did the absolutely perfect thing, which, what does that mean to you?

HWC 19 | Having Better Romantic Relationships

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

That was the first phone conversation that we had and I said, “Tell me about that,” and he did. I was like, “We’ve got something to work with here.”

Somebody could have a completely different definition of it. One of the things that I’m getting from what you said using your example is that find the people who match what you’re looking for, what resonates with you, and something that you have some common ground to work with that we want to be growing together. Do you work one on one with people?

What’s interesting is that, I haven’t but I keep getting requests. It feels like all of a sudden, I’m probably heading into a coaching direction. I love being able to be in groups. I do love the power of community, so I still think that that’s where I’m going to continue to focus. Once we’re allowed to be together, after COVID and things can be safely, socially distanced, I love people. You and I met at a summit. They were great likeminded people. I don’t need to have something that big, but the masterminds that I would love to be hosting those and bringing people together to talk about these discussions because I think the more that we can support each other, there’s no right or wrong answer.

As somebody saying, “Now I’ve decided I want a relationship.” We say, “Will you write down how you want that person to make you feel?” You also have to go back, “Can I feel that way without that person too?” As the whole Jerry McGuire like, “You complete me.” No, you can’t have another person complete you. If you do not feel complete enough as you are then you’re setting yourself up for some disappointments. That’s okay too because that’s how we grow and I look at the relationship that I’ve had with this guy several months and I’m going to tell you, David, I have had more lessons and growth than I possibly could ever have imagined.

He’s not perfect. Who is? We had some challenges from the get-go and somehow, we’re working through them and it’s been an amazing journey. Whether it’s forever, who knows? I have to stop trying to write the end of the book. I think that a lot of times, especially women tend to do that, where it’s happily ever after. We think it’s the wedding, the dress, this and that. No, how about just enjoy each other for as long as we’re supposed to be together? If we’re not meant to be together forever, then we’ll come to that but to me, I want to come to that decision together. I want to be open enough and communicating enough that whatever we end up doing, it’s a mutual decision.

It’s exciting to know you say that. In the Vedic tradition in India for disciple and master, one of the things that the question comes up is, that it’s the disciple’s responsibility when he can no longer benefit from that master to get another to go to the next master, exactly what we do in school. We go to kindergarten and then we go to first grade. We go to the second. We go from elementary school to middle school, to high school, to college, to PhD. Whatever level of education we go, we already change that but we don’t think about that in relationships.

That’s shifting more and I’m very aware that. I have friends who got together in high school, which was a long time ago in my life who are still happily together. I also have people who have had much shorter relationships and the way that I taught my son about it was you go on a day. If you have a great time, you do it again. You just keep doing it until it’s no longer served either of you. I also love what you say about this idea of being independent because if we need someone to complete us, then we’re not able to give fully to the relationship. We’re there to take. There was a New Yorker cartoon that I saw years ago, that absolutely love, which is, a husband and wife presumably sitting at the breakfast table.

The healthier we are spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically, the more we're going to attract the right partner. Click To Tweet

You can tell how old this was because they’re holding a big newspaper in front of them. Each of them is holding the cup of coffee out for the other one to fill but they’re so engrossed in the paper that they don’t realize. They’re both asking to receive and nobody’s giving. It’s an intriguing thing when you go to a relationship, we should go to give love, to give support. By giving is what we received. You receive love from all around you, but you give love all around you. The money that we spent comes back to us, the energy that we put out comes back to us.

Also, in the same respect, my shaman friend taught me about an equal exchange of energy but it’s rarely the same token. To give with an expectation to receive coming from the same source is a no-no. In the relationship, if all you’re doing is to give with expectations that person’s continually going to give back in the same way, we’re setting ourselves up. If you’re giving purely to give, I think of it though, like even in the relationship that I have now, I’m getting an equal exchange of energy by different means. What I give him and what he gives me is totally different, but it feels like it’s equal.

In a relationship like that, on a domestic and lane level, somebody may cook the meal, somebody may do the dishes. Somebody may clean the room, somebody may fix the plumbing. It doesn’t have to be that, “You’ve cleaned my room. I have to clean your room.” We’re talking not just on that physical crude level, but also on the emotional support level. Somebody is a good problem solver in business, but not so good in dealing with their own family. The other person is good at relationships and helping you deal with the family, but they don’t want to deal with the books. They don’t want to deal with the checkbook.

There are different ways that we can support each other on many different levels. When we’re talking about a soul relationship, someone who supports where you want to go when you want to go there and sees the best in you. That’s another quality that people benefit from in a relationship. You look at those people who have been together for a long time, we don’t have to have opinions about a lot of stuff. When we let go of that need, that helps a lot. I want to mention our Peace and Harmony program. We talked about that briefly. We have a free program and also more units that you can buy. I have to ask that the audience, do you want to have peace and harmony in your life? If you do, are you willing to go to a website and press play? We have created some quantum energy programs in this particular case, it’s a video.

We also have a unit that generates a Pocket of Peace around you. You can have that and we talked about it before, because it reduces arguments. We run it in the background with this show because we feel that more pockets of peace, the clearer people sinking are the better their relationships can be. We mentioned how people notice that argument’s dissipated when they were playing it or didn’t come up in the first place. This is a free gift for all of our audience and all your friends. Share it with everybody, go to PeaceAndHarmonyDownload.com, just play that program. If you would like peace in your whole family, in your neighborhood, in your business, in your city, your state and your community, however big you want, we have bigger systems that you can purchase and play.

We have programs that can be played in hospitals, prisons, or businesses, especially those that are required to be open. For hospitals and necessary businesses like grocery stores and stuff. It’s a much more powerful version, but we’re giving that for them to play over their PA system. It’s completely silent, but it will help everybody go home, less stressed. I would love it if all the hospitals would take it. That’s something that I think can also help. I encourage you to go to PeaceAndHarmonyDownload.com. You can start a conversation with us if you want. You don’t even have to give us your email address, but if you want to start looking into more with us, we’re certainly open to do that. I want to talk about some of the things about the longevity of a relationship. I know you have some things you want to give the audience, maybe we should go there.

The thing that I wanted to share with everyone is, I have five tips for dating success over 40. I’m over 40 and most of my audience with the Lunchtime Quickies podcast are over 40. Most of them are women, but a lot of this can be also applied to men as well. I’d love to share that with everyone and a lot of that is just, coming down to the self-love. It’s knowing your non-negotiables. I talk about non-negotiables. My list when you’re talking about having the physical list of like, “I wanted him to be tall, dark, and handsome and have a particular career.” It’s not that this is what I ended up doing for my dating app because I already knew that I wanted to be dating on a soul level.

HWC 19 | Having Better Romantic Relationships

 

That’s typically what people are doing. They’ve got their lists going. It’s also that your non-negotiables are going to come down to religion in some cases. If a woman is 40 and she hasn’t had children yet, and she still desperately wants a child, that’s going to be non-negotiable. She needs to find a partner who wants to have children or that she can certainly be a part of maybe if he’s got young children or whatever that looks like. At the end of the day, the healthier we are spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, the more we’re going to attract the partner that we see and feel. We all know what feels good.

I can tell you with my new relationship, I knew when things were not feeling good and I was willing to address those immediately. Communication became important and I just said, “If that’s the way it’s going to be, I’m out.” I didn’t have a problem walking away early on because if he’s not going to make me feel good, safe, or secure in any way. Another thing too in the beginning, we talked about seeing the light and in each other. I saw his light and he saw mine. I have to say that he was one of the few guys that had seen that. One time, when we had some concerns about how we were communicating or some things had come up, I said to him, “Don’t steal my light. Don’t dim my light.” He got it and he’s like, “I would never do that.” I go, “Good.” I can’t have that. That’s my nonnegotiable because if I feel like he’s doing that to me then I would have to go.

There’s a cartoon and this couple was meeting at the beginning. One of them says to the other one, “How much work have you done on yourself to clear all the baggage so that you won’t be bringing it into this room, that you won’t be projecting things on me from your past?” On the other hand, we don’t want to wait until we perfect because we could be 90. This idea of being able to grow together as part of it, but I love the idea of what you said. You want somebody who builds your light or moves you in the direction that you want to be and not somebody who dims your light. I think that’s perfect. You mentioned that you’re going to give people something free, but you didn’t tell us where to go. Would you tell us how we can get that?

You can find out stuff at the Lunchtime Quickies podcast. LunchtimeQuickies.com is still the online publishing platform that I started in 2019, where people can submit a short story, true or fiction that someone can read in 30 minutes or less. That’s how I came up with the Lunchtime Quickie.

There’s a lot more that we can say about relationships, but I think we’ve given people a lot to think about. This has been a very fulfilling conversation with you, Betsy. I’m very grateful for it. Some time we can have a little bit more. I have some thoughts that would you like me to share with them. I think you should work in groups. You should put together a mastermind, and figure out the finances and however you want to do it. You can do it via Zoom or other things. You would be excellent in leading a group and it’s inevitable. I’m going to encourage you to let yourself flow in that direction. That will let you reach a lot of people very quickly and people are open to this.

This whole lockdown virus thing that we’re going through is a great blessing. It’s a wonderful way for us and for those who are open to reevaluate what they’ve been doing with their lives. When you suddenly find you can’t do it and you can’t do it for a while, people who are working for 50 weeks a year, and then they go on their vacation, they’re still working for the first half of the week. About Wednesday afternoon is when they stopped working. We’re being given an opportunity where weeks are going by and we’re starting to discover on our soul level. If money isn’t an issue because I can’t work right now, what is it that I want to spend my time doing?

Some people are deciding that they want to be alcoholics and that’s okay. I’m not passing judgment because as a joke, “Somebody needs to be the town drunk.” The point is that a lot of people are reevaluating. Do I want to go back to the grind that I have? Is there another way to have an income? There’s some very exciting mental thinking and shifting going on globally about a lot of the ways that we think the world should be. Nature’s put the brakes on us to stop and take look around. It’s very exciting.

We’re moving towards a love-based culture, which will have a very dramatic impact on the way that we interact with each other. One of my guests gave some very interesting statistics about how, when you bring love and compassion to the business situation. It was specific numbers that she had, but how much more money people could make? How much more sales they can make? As people realize this, people like you and your knowledge is going to be in high demand. Plus, you have a very outgoing, charming personality. You can guide things in a good way.

Love always wins, and it always will. Choose it every day. Click To Tweet

Thank you, David. I appreciate that and I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m a big planner and I love to travel. Every time you turn around like that, we were wanting to plan the next trip and all of a sudden, we can’t plan anything. I can’t even plan the next weekend because there’s nothing like, “Where can we go? What are we allowed to do?” It forced me to think about, “What do I want? What do I want to be focused on?” Those of us that are aware are seeing that this was meant to be. It’s a big wake up call for the planet for all of us. Think about how much healing has already happened with our planet. The smog is dissipated. All these beautiful things that have already come out of it and it’s also interesting too. It is all about how we are reacting to this and you still see the people that are in fear. We all were going to be in fear to some degree but I said, “I cannot let it get me.” I refuse to let it get me and love always wins and it always will. I’m going to choose it every day.

I agree with that. The thing about fears is we need to stop using fear as a currency on this planet and replacing it with love will be a fabulous move. There is a TV show that I watch, it’s Stargate. There’s a character on it and there are a couple of longer episodes. This is a big adventure and fighting. About five times during this two-hour episode, this one character, they do something and then they go, “Now what?” “We got rid of the other guys, now we die. We die free, we die for glory.” Everybody else goes, “Let’s not do that. Let’s do something else.” The way he kept surrendering to it and then twenty minutes later after a whole bunch of adventures. I was thinking like a little too easy to let go, but then this absolute non-attachment, this idea of, “We did what we’re supposed to do. We’re not going to worry about it.” This lightness about we’re going to die and a lot of people get that that’s just part of the adventure. Informational will come out about that’s very unique and different. When my father passed away, the example that he did was absolutely staggering and it embodied love in an amazing way.

My mother and father had a very interesting relationship. They were together on and off for 40 years. They got divorced and married each other three times over these 40 years for the last little bit, they were together all the time. A lot of that was my mother was very socially involved. She was very much into civil rights. She was very activist in women gaining their independence and all of that. She left because however much she loved her family, she couldn’t be in the confines of that structure. When he passed away, there was leading up to it. My dad emphysema for years, but it turns out it was an aneurysm that finally got him. He was in the hospital and he had planned to stick around longer and then he had this episode and realize he was going to go.

He spent the next several days contacting everybody who he wanted to and saying goodbye to them. They were in California at the time and the rest of the family was in other parts of the world. He waited until my sister and her husband showed up, so my mother wouldn’t be alone and then he talked to them. He left within fifteen minutes of when my sister got there and what he said to my mother which I don’t know that I can say without losing it. He just said, “Hold my hand, and when I squeezed, kiss me goodbye.” She said that the fact that he stayed there, she knew. He stayed there so she wouldn’t be alone. It’s powerful but a huge embodiment of love and devotion. He was an amazing man. He taught us that life was here to enjoy it. His whole thing was we’d go out to a test, a driver’s license or job interview just to have fun.

We didn’t talk about this before, but if you’re a fan of Abraham. I’m a huge Abraham fan. That is an Esther Hicks channels, what they call Abraham The Collective Consciousness. When I first learned about her and understood it, there’s the physical and the nonphysical. When you understand that there’s such a short distance for us to leave the physical and go into the nonphysical could be just like walking through the door. That reframed death and dying to me in that very moment and it took away all fear. It took away anything that could possibly be seen as negative in leaving this physical world. Abraham is like what they always say, “We are here to have fun.”

I went on an Abraham cruise a couple of years ago, ten days in the Mediterranean and it was life-changing. First of all, those people can party like there’s no tomorrow. We were like in workshops also during you like our sea days. It’s beautiful and when you can sit and embrace that part of knowing, then it’s changes our whole concept on how we live our life. I look at my parents differently. I helped my grandmother transition in a way. She was holding on and I said, “You don’t need to hold on anymore.” To me, it was beautiful that she was able to pass because obviously she was in pain and we never want to see our loved ones in pain like that. It does reframe everything when you can see that it’s beautiful. Enjoy what we have here and we get a chance to do it again if we want to.

This is a good place for us to end. I’ve enjoyed conversing with you. This has been very fulfilling. Thank you so much, Betsy, for being here. Any last words, anything you think we didn’t cover that would be useful to people?

We covered more than I thought we were even going to get to. I feel very full. I feel very complete. I feel blessed. I feel grateful. Thank you. This was beautiful.

Thank you so much for being here. I’m sure. We’ll talk again sometime.

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About Betsy Johnson

HWC 19 | Having Better Romantic RelationshipsBetsy Johnson is an experienced dating and relationship expert and the host of the Lunchtime Quickies podcast. She founded LunchtimeQuickies.com in 2019 as an online publishing platform which quickly grew to a popular podcast. Now in Season 2, she dispenses real, authentic advice along with the help of guests such as matchmakers, relationship coaches and her trusted sidekick and producer, Vince. She’s also brought on several of her online dating matches to her show for their first date. Betsy’s mission is to bring more love & romance to the world, one “quickie” at a time.

“All our episodes are recorded using a sample of our peace and harmony program that can reduce tensions, end arguments, and create peace quickly. Try it for free at www.peaceandharmonydownload.com and enjoy your own pocket of peace!”